A Reflection On The Current Affairs of My Life

November 28, 2006 at 11:40 pm (Life)

My life isn’t bad, but it isn’t good either. That wouldn’t bother me if I knew I wasn’t supposed to be happy right now. But instead nothing is really that wrong. I have friends and we do things together and its fine. I have my family, which does a lot for me. But still I’m depressed. I know why, it’s because its my disease. It was diagnosed many years ago, I have chronic depression. It will never go away as long as I live. Even when nothing is wrong becoming sad is the easiest thing to do in any situation for me.

The one thing in my life that I feel I have truly and completely failed at is women. I talk to them and I fuck up, I try to fix it and I fuck up more. It’s part of my life that I’m 16 and I’m where most 13 and 14 year old boys are at with women– If that. I accept it and I try to fix it and it never works.

And I’ve managed to convince myself that if I could get a good girl to hold that my problems would be fixed. The depression, paranoia, and mild schizophrenia would all disappear like magic. And even though I know it isn’t true I continue to pursue women because no matter how stupid the idea is I can’t shake the feeling that someone to hold is better than 100mg of medicine a day to keep me sane.

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