A Reflection On The Current Affairs of My Life

November 28, 2006 at 11:40 pm (Life)

My life isn’t bad, but it isn’t good either. That wouldn’t bother me if I knew I wasn’t supposed to be happy right now. But instead nothing is really that wrong. I have friends and we do things together and its fine. I have my family, which does a lot for me. But still I’m depressed. I know why, it’s because its my disease. It was diagnosed many years ago, I have chronic depression. It will never go away as long as I live. Even when nothing is wrong becoming sad is the easiest thing to do in any situation for me.

The one thing in my life that I feel I have truly and completely failed at is women. I talk to them and I fuck up, I try to fix it and I fuck up more. It’s part of my life that I’m 16 and I’m where most 13 and 14 year old boys are at with women– If that. I accept it and I try to fix it and it never works.

And I’ve managed to convince myself that if I could get a good girl to hold that my problems would be fixed. The depression, paranoia, and mild schizophrenia would all disappear like magic. And even though I know it isn’t true I continue to pursue women because no matter how stupid the idea is I can’t shake the feeling that someone to hold is better than 100mg of medicine a day to keep me sane.

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4 Comments

  1. happychick said,

    You never mentioned this. That saddens me. As much as you hate “those emo’s” who write about their feelings and whatnot, blogging really is an outlet for that shit.
    Women? They aren’t a magic cure. In fact, they drive alot of people (men, mostly) into depression with their nagging ways. You’re 16. You’ll probably, knowing the life expectancy of a white male these days, live till you’re about 80, if not older. You have another 60 years to start worying about women. Right now nothing matters but you. Hang with your mates. I’m no physchiatrist, that much is for sure, but I suffered depression for a while- even saw a shrink for a year or so. Mates are the best gift God, or whoever you beleive, can give.
    And one day you’ll find that girl. She’ll be beautiful and funny and perfect. And she’ll love you back. And maybe you’ll still be on 100mg a day. Hell, I’m on the Pill and can hardly stand having to take medication every night. But 100mg will be nothing when you’ve got the house, the car, the kids, the wife, the job.
    And now I’ve completely physco-analysed you and whatever, and turned this comment into a narrative, I’ll let you be. x x

  2. happychick said,

    Hey man, are you alright? I worry about you. Let me know how it’s all going.

  3. Inkwell said,

    Somehow i missed the point. Probably lost in translation :) Anyway … nice blog to visit.

    cheers, Inkwell.

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